i hate babies.

No, I am not cold, and I am not heartless...I just don't like them. The way they stare at me with their big, undeveloped, watery eyes, they have no manners. The way they must be fed by their mothers who attempt to force smiles and funny faces to make those little poison dumplings STOP CRYING ALREADY. The crying is by far the worst part. There's a baby that lives next door to me and her room is perpendicular to mine, and I hear her cry all night and sometimes I just want to stuff a sock in her mouth! Gosh! It's like, of all the things in the world to cry about, you cry about not being able to use the bathroom by yourself or because you're hungry or whatever. So thoughtless! Horrible things.

My theory, you ask? Gladly! Well. I think that immediately after the baby has been delivered and "tidied up", they must be put in large boxes, but not too large, and then shipped off to a baby processing plant in East Cambodia where they will live and develop under strict baby rules until they have reached a state of maturity and have earned their "I'm a Big Kid Now" diplomas INCLUDING the Futterman Seal of Approval. Then, and only then, will I accept a baby to be in the presence of myself. Until this happens, which will be soon since I am sending my proposal to the Baby Haters Union, I will look upon those tiny creatures with malice, and steal candy from them.